And I don’t know what to think. I guess I accomplished a lot this year. But didn’t everybody? It’s kind of hard not to accomplish a lot in a year. I don’t really know how proud of myself I should be, as a result. Should I still congratulate myself? Others have done amazing things, such as saving people’s lives, or done notoriously difficult things, like quitting smoking. Or maybe they made it on Broadway, or got cast in their first major role in a film. I don’t care, really. But I do know that my most impressive accomplishment this year was the fact that I passed my Grade 3 piano exam. Never mind the fact that eight-year-olds do it all the time. It’s quite surprising that I even passed it in the first place, given my current level of negligence in practising.
I nearly failed that exam.
I SHOULD HAVE failed that exam.
Oh, well. Moving on, I guess.
As I write this in the late hours of the night (or early hours of the morning??), on December 31st, 2017, I can’t help but wonder if New Year’s resolutions are even helpful. I mean, most people fail at them. So I guess the only way to not fail would be to only have one New Year’s resolution: to fail at your New Year’s resolutions. But then you have a paradox, because in not failing, you have failed to achieve your goal of failure, which was a failure in of itself… I should really write stories about thoughts like this instead of making you read them in my little corner of the internet. Not that anyone reads this thing… Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to be anonymous. It was never my goal. This blog is linked on my social media accounts. People can find it if they wish to. But somehow, I doubt they will.
I know someone else who has a blog. She’s my age. She keeps hers way more anonymous than I do, however, and her blog is much more successful because she has picked a niche and stuck to it. As if I could do that. I suck at even staying on topic within my own paragraphs, within my own blog post. Which brings me back to my point: Should I be proud of what I have accomplished this year?
I’m very ambivalent about the response. Not that I don’t care… I simply don’t have an answer. In some ways, this was a good year. A very good year, in fact. I achieved straight As in school for the first time ever (which may surprise those of you who know me personally). I participated in a fashion show as a designer for the first time ever, and though it was just a high school event, it was a great experience I learned a lot from. I started a novel, breaking my (lingering) qualms over fiction writing. I discovered a love for writing dialogue. I completed three full sketchbooks and 90% of a fourth. I submitted to a literary magazine for the first time. I submitted to my school’s art show for the first time (and trust me, that can be scary when you go to an art school). I did so many wonderful things. But yet…
Here are some of the nastier things about this year:
- I put on weight. Not in a healthy way though. Not at all.
- Did I mention the lack of exercise?
- Did I mention the lack of sleep?
- I spend too much time on the Internet nowadays.
- I suspect I have spent more time on YouTube this year than I ever have before.
- Still haven’t killed my nasty procrastination habit.
- I panicked in front of an audience for the first time this year…
And many others. I really want to start getting in more exercise. I want to kill my procrastination habit as well. It doesn’t make me happier. It doesn’t help me get anything done. And it’s a complete waste of my time.
My relationship with procrastination is much healthier than some other people’s, though. I know someone who once left an entire summative to the night before. He had to come up with a ten page research document and a twenty slide presentation. How he managed that, I do not know.
I suspect he plagiarized most of it.
But is that okay? I do procrastinate as well, but I do understand when to pull back and WORK. I have to. I hold myself to stringent and unrealistic expectations of perfection which I almost never attain. But I wouldn’t call that unhealthy. I’m just ambitious, I guess.
This year I learned that while I have the capacity to be a natural leader, I’m not interested. Not really. I’ll do it if I feel that no one else wants to, or that the current leader is, well, inadequate. Because I can do the job. And I do it well. But in all honesty? I prefer to do my own thing. Strange for an extravert to say, isn’t it? Don’t worry, I also like to not-so-quietly critisize others. I don’t pull any punches.
But it really sucks that there is so much misunderstanding around introvert/extravert types and what it means. I am an extravert. But I do not hate being alone. I quite enjoy it, actually. I need my alone time. But I also need social interaction. I crave it. I’m the one who initiates conversations with long lost friends. I love people. But I don’t understand why people seem to think introverts hate people. That’s not the definition of introversion, it’s more like… social anxiety (but don’t take my word for it). I know introverts who love people and social interactions. But they do need their alone time. It’s simple. Extraverts are energized by social interaction. Introverts are energized by quiet time alone (or with a few quiet people) and are generally drained by social interaction. Get with the program, people. Saying that introverts hate people is like saying that all people hate running because it makes them tired. That might be true in a few cases, but it’s not a generally true statement and should not be proclaimed as such.
And… I managed to deviate from the theme of this post again. But here are a few of my goals for 2018:
- Exercise more regularly. Join a sporting club or something.
- Reduce time spent procrastinating.
- Draw something every day, no matter how small or sketchy.
- Engage in personal writing at least twice a week.
- Figure out a few career options (instead of blindly having no idea what to do).
- Finish composing one of the gajillion songs I’ve started.
- Develop basic dance skills (I currently have none).
- Learn Excel spreadsheet stuff.
- Read more non fiction.
- Submit to four literary magazines.
And there you go! Some of my goals for this year. I know I will most likely fail at some of them, but they’re nice to have anyway. Gives me a place to start. And maybe this isn’t a goal, but more of a promise to myself: I will get to know myself better. I will engage in thoughtful self reflection. Because now is the time, right? When you’re young and teenage?
Anyways, Happy New Year! (If you celebrate it