Am I Normal?

I don’t understand myself most of the time. Sometimes being around my family doesn’t help. Sometimes being around my friends doesn’t help. Half the time, the fact that I go to an arts school doesn’t help. And you know what helps even less? When I can’t find the right words to express myself. Like now.

Sometimes I wish I was introverted and actually enjoyed spending time in my own brain. Not that I don’t like spending time in my own brain, I do, but… See what I mean? I don’t know how to say what I need to say! And the trouble is that I need to discuss things with people in order to feel better about them. Actually, that’s not always true. But I do feel better after talking to people. But I don’t always know what to say, and that sucks. Because for all the time I spend talking to people, I still suck at communicating. God, I can’t even communicate with myself!

This post is just a messed up jumble of thoughts.

This sucks. The jumbled-up thoughts stage I’m currently in? Each year I change a little bit and I never know if it’s for the better. Not to mention, I’m at a point in my life where I’m incredibly indecisive and don’t know what to do with myself. And that’s nice, isn’t it.

I don’t know why I feel much more comfortable speaking (well, writing really) to this imaginary online audience of random people. I don’t know if anyone reads this. But it’s not like this is anonymous. This is a real, live, website that can be traced back to me at anytime. I may as well be posting this on social media, because any acquaintance of mine who reads this will know it’s me. But I would never post these kinds of thoughts on social media. Why? I don’t know.

Around me, I can see people reading, writing, and looking for books. From my seat inside a library in the (almost) heart of the city, I can see people shopping. It’s Black Friday today, a holiday of endless consumerism that happens and will continue to go on while I sit here and struggle with my mess of a brain. Because that’s what normal teenagers do.

Who am I kidding? Normal teenagers do not obsessively think about whether or not they shoukd call themselves artists. Normal teenagers do not obsessively think about their ability to make art, do not worry about really they are actually good enough to stay at the school they auditioned for. Normal teenagers probably don’t have warring parts of their brain, like I do. I love and hate both the arts and the sciences equally; I cannot live without one or the other. And that’s sad. Because in than two years, I will have to choose. I do not want to choose. I used to think high school would last forever. But now that it has become very clear that it doesn’t, I really wish it did.

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I Think AI is Detrimental to Society

Our world is changing. And I absolutely hate it. I hate the fact that we are moving towards a world where robots will coexist with the human race. I hate the factt that we are developing more and more androids and more and more robots and more and more artificially cognitive machines. That also happens to be why I hate science fiction. SF kind of forces me to think about those things. Most of the time, I avoid thinking about it. But sometimes, just sometimes… Ugh.

Why would you want to have robots that look, act, and speak like humans? Wouldn’t that be creepy? What if someone tried to hit on a robot? What if that same robot responding that person’s advances?  Like, really, imagine going on a first date with a robot. Do you want to do that? Think about it.

-Rebeeks

On Me and Writing Poetry

I’m in my poetry mode right now, which is such a rare thing for me that I just try to take advantage of it. I mean, I’m a prose writer, which means I do things such as write in paragraphs, not in stanzas; use punctuation properly, such as putting periods at the ends of sentences (and not ending lines without them). Prose also does not have to be poetic or metaphoric (although it can be those things as well) and is generally not a rhythmic style of writing.

Ha. That means the way we usually speak can be considered prose (or if we want to be fancy, dialogue, although dialogue can be in poetry as well). 

When I’m in poetry mode, I generally attempt to rhyme things and binge write poetry, which I really need to be in the right mindset to write. My poems are generally a constant refrain in my mind during that time. I know I’m really in poetry mode when I tend to rhyme my sentences when I speak French. Actually, that it THE key indicator. French is my first language. It’s also a language that I don’t spend much time writing in (and that I never write poetry in). When things in French become rhythmic and start to rhyme, I probably should be using that brain processing power elsewhere.

I also write poetry in a very different way than I write prose. My poems are never free form. They always have some rhythm to them, and most of them rhyme. I spend a lot of ime reading them to myself, and I edit things, and change words on the go. The next stanza is usually not started until the first one is complete. I mull over my phrases even when I’m not writing them. So when a poem is done, it’s done. It’s not getting edited any further. Well, sometimes I do change minor things. Tweaks, really. But rarely.

When I write prose, like essays or stories, I just write for as long as I can and worry about editing later.
So don’t ask me why I don’t edit my poems. I probably spend more time editing them than I spend editing prose. It’s just, I edit them WHILE THEY’RE BEING WRITTEN. Not at the end. (And as you may know, these posts don’t even get edited.)

So that was my rant of the day.

-Rebeeks 

On Nanowrimo, Typos and Other Things

God help me.

Nanowrimo is very, very, time-consuming. In fact, I should probably be working on my story right now. But I am just so annoyed at it, and I guess I just don’t know where it’s going.

So you know what? I gave up. After four thousand, five hundred,  and thirteen words.
Huh. Good job to me. Actually, never mind that. I suck.

I have discovered that I am utterly incapable of motivating myself to do anything. Which is why I’m typing this blog post instead of stydying for the dumb science test that I have tomorrow. I really am an idiot. Thank God I don’t go to an IB program school. I would just about die. (And people say I’m smart. What are they thinking?)

So yeah. I’m in a writing program and I’m not even capable of writing 670 words everyday to meet a good of 20 000 words. That just doesn’t say much about me as a writer.

Things I Have Written Instead Of The Novel I Was Going To Write:

  1. Bad poetry.
  2. A dumb essay on character development, adversity, and tigers. Don’t ask. (And yes, it was an assignment.)
  3. Emails and text messages that showcase how boring my life is.
  4. An essay about perception.
  5. More bad poems.
  6. This blog post.

    Do any of those include the words “novel”, “dumb novel”, or “stupid novel”?
    No? I thought so.

    On a completely different note, my work has been published on my school’s literary magazine and there are currently two typos in it. I actually can’t stand to look at it. It been bugging me for days. Days!
    And have you ever had the issue where omitting one word completely changes the meaning of a sentence? Yeah? Well, they did that. Do you have any idea how annoying it is? I actually had to restrain myself from yelling at the editors. 
    And of course, their website had other problems as well. It always does! Yay. I am not (let me repeat this, NOT) excited to have to be one of the editors next year, which, like so many other things, is a mandatory experience. Yay! (NOT)

    So now that I’ve ranted about NaNoWriMo and those dumb typos in my work, what’s left?
    Ah, that DUMB SCIENCE TEST that I’m supposed to be studying for.

    I hate biology. And obviously, it’s a biology test. Some people are perfectly content with doing it now to get it over with. I, on the other hand, am not. I would rather never do it.
    Unfortunately, I am not so lucky as to have that option. Screw the science curriculum that makes biology mandatory until grade 10.
    Did I mention that I have when things are mandatory for no reason?
    I need to memorize a whole bunch of terms that will probably not be any use to me in the future all so I can pass this dumb course that I really like except for this unit. I hate this unit. I will never take biology again one I have the choice.

    Screw this test.

    -Rebeeks

    My Relationship with Computers

    I have an interesting relationship with computers. I love them, I hate them, and sometimes they annoy me to death. I had one computer that had some many issues that once one of the issues got fixed, something else would stop working.
    That was hell.
    My current computer is quite annoying as well because it isn’t as slow as some of the older computers but is advertised to run faster than it actually does. This is also where I learned that having more cores on your computer does not necessarily mean that your computer runs faster. Remember that. The salespeople are not necessarily well-equipped to properly help you. Or maybe they’re simply biased. I suspect its a combination of both.

    Earlier this semester, I had one available slot left in my timetable and I opted to take computer science, which is A. an elective, B. an elective offered to people in the grade above me, and C. headache inducing. Do you think I’m crazy? Sometimes I myself think I’m crazy for taking the course. When people hear that I’m taking that course, a common question is, why?

    If I’m going to be completely honest with myself (and you), I first have to admit that it was a split-second decision. I had planned on (maybe) taking this course, but as a grade 10 student. This summer, when I went to summer school, I took math. It was a very intensive course and I did not want to take anything related to math this year. And what did I end up in? Computer Science (or, as they call it, Introduction to Computer Studies), which is basically another version of math. Great. It was either that or take Grade 10 math, which I would do under no circumstances.

    I actually like the course though. It’s a really different approach to teaching. We learn (very, very basic) programming and it’s not the “Follow the instructions and you’ll do well” kind of class. No. It is literally “Here is the problem. Solve it.” I both love and hate this approach. It is totally appropriate for a class where you learn coding. Basically what software does is solve problems for you. But someone wrote that software. In order to have the program solve problems for you, you need to understand the problem yourself. You need to be able to break down the problem into its parts before you build the code. Then, you need to understand the logic and how to do things sequentially.

    The funny thing is, the more you write code, the more you start thinking like a coder. It literally changes the way you do things. I find myself wanting to simply write the word “else” instead of otherwise or something do that effect, because that is how conditional statements are communicated to the computer. Huh. If I wrote an essay like that, my teacher might ask quite a few questions. Namely, “are you sane?”

    I honestly don’t think I am.

    -Rebeeks

    Reflection on School

    This has pretty much become my default place to rant about school. That is awesome (no, it isn’t). Ranting is just something I do, I guess. It’s my default mode. None of the posts on this blog are edited. Here, I kind of just write. I mean, all the practice you can get is good, right?

    I don’t know why I even bother to call myself a writer. I’m a terrible writer. Every time I sit down to write something I spend more time thinking about writing than actually writing. I know my first drafts suck. A lot of them do. Quite a few of turn out nice. Mine?
    I don’t know. I don’t really know what to compare it to. Do I find out tomorrow?

    Here I am, talking about being in Lit again. This seems to be my favourite thing to write about. Maybe it’s because it’s different. Because I don’t know what else to expect. I don’t know what people think of Lit kids. I feel like no one really knows what to make of us. Hell, I don’t know what to expect. It’s not exactly like an English class. That’s what I love about it. But that’s also what throws me off. You don’t take English with the same 25 people for 4 years. Life doesn’t work like that. A lot of English classes don’t involve much creative writing. Don’t get me wrong, I love creative writing. It holds a special place in my heart. But sometimes, you just can’t deal with the uncertainty that comes with creating something — weaving a story from bits and pieces and snapshots of life mixed with a generous dose of your imagination. You don’t know where to go. There is no set format, there are no rules. There is no black or white, only shades in between.
    But when you put it this way, it sounds like it’s difficult to tell the good writing from the bad writing. And sometimes, it is.

    Sometimes you don’t know why a story seems off, but you just know that it is. It drives me nuts. Crazy. Half the time I just abandon the story and do something else. Then I look at it a few years later, think about how crappy it is, and don’t do anything about it. Honestly, essays are a lot easier to write. And I enjoy writing essays, most of the time. But the issue with essays is that the structure tends to be a little (more like a lot) rigid. You can’t take an essay in an interesting direction, most of the time. There is a subject. Stick to it! Whereas stories have plots and subplots and plots twists and you have to keep track of them and keep them logical and believable or else the reader gets mad. Essays? Intro ,point one, point two, point three, conclusion. That is how a lot of essays are formatted. It’s very formal. It’s a formula you can follow and get results every time–as long as you follow the formula properly.

    The lazy part of me loves this. So does the debater in me. But there is another part of me that actually hates this. It’s the part of me that demands change and individuality and original thinking. Listening to 5 of 6 essays is boring–most of them tend to sound the same. Listening to 5 or 6 stories is never boring. Sometimes it gets annoying, but that may be because the story is bad or because you don’t like it. But usually people people stick around even if it’s just to complain and rant about how bad it is later.

    So  here I am, still thinking about the damn story that I want to write. i have ideas, but I don’t feel like putting then onto paper. I wonder if I should write one page of it everyday and see what kind of useless crap I can come up with.
    Did I mention that I have a total lack of imagination?
    Having a total lack of imagination is totally detrimental to me. I’m sure some people will say otherwise about my ability to put things together. I don’t think they’re right.

    The issue is that I’ve never spent so much time working on a single piece, other than my portfolio for the program. (BTW, my portfolio totally sucked.) It’s different. I don’t know if it’s good different or bad different.

    Pros

    • I get to spend more time making the writing perfect
    • I have to more time to ask for opinions
    • It means that if halfway through, I decide to completely change directions with my story, I have time to figure it out
    • More time for editing
    • I can bounce ideas off of people
    • I have time for tweaks

      Cons

      • I spend too much time worrying about perfection
      • Sometimes I get confused by certain opinions
      • uhhhhh

      Okay. I guess the pros outweigh the cons. Now what?
      I guess I should just stop complaining.

      -Rebeeks

      The Absurdity of Media Today

      The media twists things, changes them. Sometimes what comes out of it is totally unrecognizable content. “Why?” I ask. Oh, I don’t dont know, but I suspect it’s part of human nature.

      We are an interesting group of people. We embellish things. We exagerate things. When that happens for too long, we tend to blow things out of proportion. That isn’t necessarily intentional. Some of us have always had trouble with the boundaries of truth. Sometimes we remember things that aren’t there, that didn’t actually happen. Why? Because human memory isn’t perfect. So why do we expect newspapers, TV, and other forms of media to be perfect? Are the people who work there somehow better than the rest of us?

      Sometimes, however, things are blown out of proportion intentionally. We all love making fun of people’s mistakes. (Wait. You say you don’t? Look at me in the eye and say you’ve never laughed at someone. Harsh? Yeah. I thought so.) The issue is, when you listen to something repeatedly for long enough, two things can happen: a. you start believing whatever it is they keep saying, or b. you totally and utterly reject everything they keep saying. This is not letting people make informed choices. If you really want to make an informed choice, do me a favour snd stop watching TV coverage of events. Watch the event for yourself, then find written information from a variety of places.

      Does this mean that media coverage is a bad thing? No. This is just to say that not enough people are taking it with a grain of salt. Don’t take what you see as the absolute truth, because it most likely isn’t.

      -Rebeeks