I don’t understand myself most of the time. Sometimes being around my family doesn’t help. Sometimes being around my friends doesn’t help. Half the time, the fact that I go to an arts school doesn’t help. And you know what helps even less? When I can’t find the right words to express myself. Like now.
Sometimes I wish I was introverted and actually enjoyed spending time in my own brain. Not that I don’t like spending time in my own brain, I do, but… See what I mean? I don’t know how to say what I need to say! And the trouble is that I need to discuss things with people in order to feel better about them. Actually, that’s not always true. But I do feel better after talking to people. But I don’t always know what to say, and that sucks. Because for all the time I spend talking to people, I still suck at communicating. God, I can’t even communicate with myself!
This post is just a messed up jumble of thoughts.
This sucks. The jumbled-up thoughts stage I’m currently in? Each year I change a little bit and I never know if it’s for the better. Not to mention, I’m at a point in my life where I’m incredibly indecisive and don’t know what to do with myself. And that’s nice, isn’t it.
I don’t know why I feel much more comfortable speaking (well, writing really) to this imaginary online audience of random people. I don’t know if anyone reads this. But it’s not like this is anonymous. This is a real, live, website that can be traced back to me at anytime. I may as well be posting this on social media, because any acquaintance of mine who reads this will know it’s me. But I would never post these kinds of thoughts on social media. Why? I don’t know.
Around me, I can see people reading, writing, and looking for books. From my seat inside a library in the (almost) heart of the city, I can see people shopping. It’s Black Friday today, a holiday of endless consumerism that happens and will continue to go on while I sit here and struggle with my mess of a brain. Because that’s what normal teenagers do.
Who am I kidding? Normal teenagers do not obsessively think about whether or not they shoukd call themselves artists. Normal teenagers do not obsessively think about their ability to make art, do not worry about really they are actually good enough to stay at the school they auditioned for. Normal teenagers probably don’t have warring parts of their brain, like I do. I love and hate both the arts and the sciences equally; I cannot live without one or the other. And that’s sad. Because in than two years, I will have to choose. I do not want to choose. I used to think high school would last forever. But now that it has become very clear that it doesn’t, I really wish it did.